Dilemma

Dylan baby

Finally found a pocket of time today to update my journal, for the first time in 5 months since Dylan’s birth. It was a short entry, as I felt rusty and for a moment unsure of what to jot down; after all so many things have happened in that span of time and so much of it was important to me to remember.

Dylan babyHopefully, in time to come, as our helper, Teresa, gets up to speed on the household chores, my mum would be able to extend more time towards caring for Dylan, so that I may find a little room for myself.

Strangely, while that prospect excites, as I have been itching to start a little craft project, I know too that I will miss spending all my days and nights with Dylan as I have had the last few months. We thoroughly enjoy our quiet soporific afternoons together, lazing in bed, cool from the afternoon sun inside the airconditioned room, lulled to a groggy state with the whirling fan on sometimes. And there in our cocoon, our amnion of time, where he is my little baby and I am his everything because he has yet to discover the other wonders of the world and which life will give him, we lie side by side, belly to belly, breathe in each other’s skin and fall into a slumber of security.

I don’t wish to give that up, yet. Not yet.

When Dylan was a skinny little bird in the early months, I spent every prayer whispering to God for His grace and mercy to help me feed Dylan well. I was so desperate to see the weighing scale show up his weight gain every few days. I refused to return the scale we rented from the paediatrician even. Despite the fact that he was gaining well, I focused on the fact that his weight was still in the lower percentiles for his age group. Now that Dylan is catching up, I still worry over his intermittent hunger strikes, his low milk intake, his silent reflux… but I no longer wish for him to grow quickly… I know that at every age, I will have a different set of challenges to manage with him, and that things get easier when he gets bigger and less vulnerable. Yet, I feel a pang whenever I realise he is surely and steadily bounding towards growth and development. Like when I realised suddenly one day that he had lost his rooting reflex, which I always found to be so endearing.

So, I want but I don’t want too, for Dylan to grow up.